Emptiness

Strange how we can't help but relive our past.

I find that I always do. Some things I am constantly reliving in conscious or subconscious thought. Some things just too important to let go. Not important because they turned out well, or because they defined us, but important because they were there at all.

Have you ever thought that some things can either slip into existence simply because the opportunity was there, or out of existence for the same reason?

So much of life seems to be that way. Some things I find I will never really outlive or cease to regret, some things I will always pay an empty penance for. Empty, because however much I might pay for what happened I can never make up for it or regain it. And yet, I must do so all the same, because it really can't be another way.

Why is it that when we write to those we cared for and lost we always say goodbye, that we're sorry, but can never move on or heal? Can we ever heal from some things? Do we ever heal? Or do we simply go so numb and distract ourselves from it as it continues to fester and eat away at our soul?

How is it that an intimate touch can cause a person physical pain? Why should craving it and taking it so deeply inside hurt so much just for the want of it? Why should the lack of it seem almost safer?

Relationships are so very complicated, and I fear I'll never be able to mange them. This, is why I have so very few. I can't nurture them properly, however much I yearn for them.

Tangled webs

Life continues to have many twists.

For my job I've now been written up in reagrds to recent events. It seems they managed to find a way to spin things yet again to make it all my fault. My fault really being trying to imbue thought to something without the ability. Among my many faults they mentioned were not asking for help, which is never granted me when I do ask for it, and so is why I don't bother to ask anymore.

Of course, I can't really see things as being outsmarted by an idiot, so much as just being out-supported by one. If the truth hit the fan the way it should, the breakfasts my supervisor is paid to eat, our the salon appointments the manager goes to while on the clock, etc, then I'm sure the whole corporate structure would collapse. Imagine, management being held responsible and forced to follow the same rules as everyone else. Wouldn't that be an amusing thought?

With any luck I'll have moved on soon, though in truth Ihold no real hope for it. My luck hasn't been so good with me thus far to pray for better when I need it.

On the story of life...

Well here it is, the day of my birth. And how has fate decided I should observe it?


Perhaps it is best to start by saying that someone siphoned a tank of gas out of my car. I stalled out yesterday because of it. Most notably is that this event had to occur while I was at work as mine wasn't the first car this week for it to happen to. And by chance it happened to the other guy who is also vocal in regards to dealings with our boss. Coincidence?


I've since bought a locking cap and filed a police report. Great build up to today.


I'm also the on call for work, and have been kept busy with various emergencies. The good of it was to hear someone saying how nice I am while taking care of things.


Perhaps I might enjoy something of the day yet.

Life and living

How strange it is, how little life can matter. I certainly haven't much to matter for my own life. Still, when trying to fend for the helpless, how often must people interfere with the most basic of impulses.


As an example, take a recent turn of events in my own life. A litter of kittens was recently found where I work, less than two weeks of age. In other words, completely helpless. They'd spent the day in the office where any number of people grabbed at them making them cry all day long. Instead of them being kept together for their own sakes, they wound up being divided. One of the managers, who is supposed to be a working manager, but actually doesn't work at all (if only their superiors cared that they pay him for nothing) grabbed some and already gave one to someone else while making comments about if they should die and not wanting to be burdened with them.


For myself, I saved and cared for a couple of them myself in the hopes they'd make it to find good homes. However, this same manager, while picking many fights with the employees lately even before this, started yet another fight regarding them. For it I was now ordered to get rid of the kittens. I suspect he'll continue to cause even more fights too if left unchecked.


Again, life matters nothing to so many, whatever form it takes. If they're not subservient drones they have no value in the grand scheme, and then as no more than a cog in the machine. Is it really any wonder why I despise living here as I do?

Paradise lost

It would seem that however hard I may try, whatever I might do, there can never be a paradise for me. Perhaps there is, and i am cursed to linger but never find it. The universe does seem to tease like that, holding treasured prizes just beyond reach or sight.

I have moved, though not to where I'd planned to go. Indeed, where I'd desired to be can now never be mine. That path is long since lost to me. The paradise I'd found there has barred the gates so that I can never set foot there or lay eye upon it.

I had a vision once, a dream, that I'd seen the family I've long longed for. There I was greeted and embraced, welcomed there not only then but in times to come. A promise was made that it was no mere fantasy, but would come to pass. Through my own misfortune, through a great many of my own faults and errors, that path has closed. The fantasy of it, was believing it could ever be. As the days pass into years I can only become more convinced I will never know that joy.

In the end I can only begin to wonder if, perhaps...

Change of Direction

There are so many thing over the years I wish I could undo, face with the knowledge I have now, and recently there has been much more of that. I haven't made much progress in my life, and that has cost me dearly.

Where I've lived has been what I've known, but has kept me in a rut, afraid. A wolf should be free to explore, keep a wide territory, explore. Where I am the means of living are scarce and suffocating. I'm moving onto another territory soon, not where I want to go, but it will be somewhere else, somewhere other than here.

My grandest hopes are to grow stronger for doing so, and to regain the precious thing I've lost along the way.

You Are Lost...

Every time I listen to it, I find myself moved, cut. My eyes water, but I can only ever shed but a single tear.

I don't understand why it is that I can only cry a single tear when I need to. All the pressure built up inside and a single tear is supposed to ease the pressure of it all.

Words of Gollum's Song echo in my mind, lyrics of the song. They say "and you will weep, when you face the end alone. You are lost. You can never go home."

Those of my family don't understand why it is that I've used a picture of Gollum for myself. I'm not sure I know entirely. Perhaps part of me knows what it is to lose something precious. Maybe it's simply entombing oneself in a cave to be insulated from the world around us.

Events in my life have unearthed violent memories, things I need to face if I expect to bring peace to my life. At least this time I've friends to face it with. I may be lost, where I live not a home, but perhaps I'll find a place to truly call home in time. I just need to make it that far.